It's Just A House...

The last time I saw this house, we had packed the moving van, and loaded up the family van. I saw it through the rear window, childhood friends stood in front waving goodbye. Tears. No we didn't cry. But we wanted to. At that point in my life I had learned not to cry. Don't feel.
My family moved out to schaumburg when I was a small child from the city of chicago. When my parents bought the house there was a field behind it. Slowly but surely more houses were built, shopping centers. We lived right across the street from my elementary school. Our house had four kids, the next door neighbors had four, and then the two girls who lived one house over. We lived there until I was 14? A freshman in high school.

When I left, I thought I would never see this house again. To tell the truth, I never wanted to. Even now, I have lived here in the chicagoland area for about 6 years. I never once thought to drive by. Too many memories. Not those good cookie baking, game playing ones. But the dark ones. Screams, cries, endless beatings, bruises, broken bones. Shame, degredation. We would stand in a row, as He beat us. My Mom, would sit in the chair like stone. The only time she said anything, was the time he was going to hit me with the baseball bat. "You will kill her." That stopped him. For a time.

For so long, I coudn't look at the pictures. Didn't want to think about it. Do houses hold things within? The cries, fear, anger, and resentment. Some say houses hold things. Hold them within it's foundation. Feelings, vibes. The good and the bad. Perhaps that little girl, still lives there. Waiting for peace, waiting for someone to love her. I learned how to hate God there. God, why do you allow this too happen? Why do you hate me? Why do they hate us?

I remember once, after I had run away. A dramatic, run involving the police and escaping that police car. I was returned home the next morning. My Dad, in his room crying. "Why does she keep trying to leave?"

I think from the time we left there, moved away. It's been the run. Moving like a gypsy. Trying to escape. Whatever curse I seemed to have been born with.

Coincidence? Was it a coincidence, that on this day, we just happened to hit my old neighborhood? There is no such thing as coincidence. Driving to drop off the sweet treats took me to my old stomping grounds. My poor DS, sat in the passenger seat while I drove back to the old neighborhood. Do you mind? Not at all. We were there, and I hadn't seen it in many years....
My heart beat super fast, as I talked her through the places we used to hang out. Family picnics, football games. I was a cheerleader, for the football league. I was also on the swim team. I didn't get lost. Knowing the way, from having walked it so often growing up. We used to carol through these streets, tricker treating.

Now, as I drove down the street. Various spots bringing back memories. The memories weren't those frightening ones. I wasn't afraid. I didn't feel that old resentment. Why me?
Instead, so many positive things came to mind. Each of us had a pool. We could spend hot summer days cooling off in. The next door neighbors had rock bands practising in the garage. We used to play all day baseball games in front of the elementary school. Swing on the swings behind it. The rainbow club, nature club!!

We remember what we want to remember. What could seem dark and dysfunctional. Can actually have light, joy, and laughter. I didn't see a little girl looking out. I did see the brown bricks we painted as a family. The yard looks the same. The house looks peacefull.
The fear is gone. Shame and resentment faded. I no longer hate God. No longer feel cursed. Somehow, through some miracle of Christ. Know my parents loved me. Our parents are not perfect. They treated us better then they were treated by there parents.
I was always my Dads favorite!! Whenever something needed to be done, I was his assistant. For a long time, I really searched for someone to replace him. The father I felt I never had. Someone to love me, someone to take care of me. Someone to save me.

When there was never any need for replacing. There was never any need to look for the love that was there all along. Saving? There is only one that can save.

We cannot change our pasts. Cannot turn the clock back and fix whatever went awry.
All I can do, is sit across the street and look at that house. With a smile, peace in my heart, spirit. Whew! Thank You God and Christ. I would not change one single thing to be where I am right now. At this time. It's no coincidence that I was there. I would have had to go back sometime. We can't escape or hide. Christ always seems to know, when I am ready. To face, whatever I need to face. I wasn't alone. My good friend was there. But Christ was there as well; See. It's allright.

It's allright...

I am blessed to have a great relationship with my parents. Yes! My daughter has trusted grandparents. That love her and treat her like a princess!! Whenever something comes up in her life, she calls my Mom. Or, "Grandpa, this happened..." They are my biggest supporters. We are proud of you!! I? Am proud of them.

As we were driving away, my cell rings...
It's my Sister. "What are you doing?" I am driving by our old high school. "You're kidding me!!" No, I am not!! *Laughs*

God Bless~~